Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
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An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.