People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
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me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
this isn’t threatening at all
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.