Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
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My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.