Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
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“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Very good news from my accountant
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Best spot.. 😅
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.