How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
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Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer