Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
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Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red