Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
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[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying