Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
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crying
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.