It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
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Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
White parent Vs Arab parents
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Every damn time
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.