Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
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Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
How your email finds me
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Just parrot things
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today