Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
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Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*