[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
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I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”