*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
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By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
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The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s