*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
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If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
🤣🤣
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Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Traveler’s camo
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