time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
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Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?