Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
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When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.