@Shade510

me: congrats on running that marathon.

her: thanks. I’m still sore.

me: because you didn’t win?

her:

You Might Also Like

@SmartAzzPrick

I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.

@ItalianBratikus

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

@mrt1m

Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

@katiefzack

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

@shatty48

Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.

@AngieDavisHaha

When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.

@eleniZarro

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

@Jandalize

Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.

@robdelaney

If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.

@MisterBombay

I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly