me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
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Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Just as the prophecy foretold
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How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
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Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or