me: congrats on running that marathon.

her: thanks. I’m still sore.

me: because you didn’t win?


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I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.


I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.


Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.


Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.


Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.


When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.


Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol


Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.


If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.


I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly