The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
You Might Also Like
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG