my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
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My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”