Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
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Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages