“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
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Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
I’m not proud
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?