Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
You Might Also Like
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security