Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?

Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.

If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?

My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.

“You can hide but you can’t run,”

– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.

I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.

I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.

ㅤ

This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…

Wrong answers only !

3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.

I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.

Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up

Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”

The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus

They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.

my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting

My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.

I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.

Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?

Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?

Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild

🐶😂

that would 100% work on me

[ 9 months BC ]

Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”

Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.

Them:

Me: damn I picked a good spot.