HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
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To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
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Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.