I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
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*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I’m about to risk it all
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
kevin is now a local weatherman
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy