Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
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Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.