announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
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#Thanos #MondayMood
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
me, too, girl. me, too.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
It still works 🤷🏼♀️