me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
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The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
This could be us… but you playing
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.