Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
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I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
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Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
My love language is hissing.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
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Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood