Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
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You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”