my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
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me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Going into Monday like
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too