*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
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The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.