Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
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Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Geez man, take it easy.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.