Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
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Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire