Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
You Might Also Like
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
oh u like geography? name every lake
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
I’m putting together a team
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded