“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
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For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you