Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
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Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”