If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
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I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.