Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
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Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
🙅🏻
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.