hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
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Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
dude killed a sea lion with his bike