Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
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Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS