@SirEviscerate

*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*

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@jordan_stratton

*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*

Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?

@daemonic3

*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up

“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”

*eats 12 pancakes

@vineyille

Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.

@OllyiConic

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he has my lighter

@jctwritesstuff

[First Date]

Me: I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.

@RobinMcCauley

A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.

@jlestos

Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.

@fadethepublic77

I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.

Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.

@BlindChow

dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?