*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
*punches hole in wall*

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*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*

Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.


Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?


*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up

“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”

*eats 12 pancakes


Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.


kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he has my lighter


[First Date]

Me: I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.


A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.


Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.


I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.

Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.


dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?