@jordan_stratton *makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
@SirEviscerate *sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
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@jordan_stratton 
@XplodingUnicorn Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
@daemonic3 *wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
@vineyille Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
@OllyiConic kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
@jctwritesstuff [First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
@RobinMcCauley A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
@jlestos Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
@fadethepublic77 I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
@BlindChow dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?