Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
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Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
How dude HOW?!
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog