Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
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I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT