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Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8