Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
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Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
TWEET CALL
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Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
what?
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha