Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
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Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
This 4th of July, please remember…
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?