Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
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Challenge accepted.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Nothing to do, you say?
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died