I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
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I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Lmao
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.