Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
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Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
the last thing a carrot sees
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.