rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
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2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Found my door mat
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end