Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
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I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Woke up with morning Yule Log
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?