I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
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I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Velcrow
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
True?
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we